I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.