While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I want this so bad
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.