When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me