If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The photographer’s assistant
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
This raises questions
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.