Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
getting corrected
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m putting together a team
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E