Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Thinking about Jeff
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!