PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.