When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Oh. My. God.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
i wish i could marry a nap
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.