Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
screw you
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.