I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
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Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!