Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?