And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.