At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
You Might Also Like
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake