If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Duck typos.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”