Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I saw this ending much differently.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.