this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Straight people are cancelled
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.