After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
You Might Also Like
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I hate when that happens.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.