Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College