[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
selfie game
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?