THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
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date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’ve had relationships like this
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s