Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.