You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
You Might Also Like
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Meeeee too!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Get in loser we’re going crying
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.