What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy