Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Perfect
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Don’t tell me what to do
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”