me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no