My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
podcasts
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Happy thanksgiving!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit