They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
three things we don’t talk about
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?