Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.