If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
You Might Also Like
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
A friend sent me this.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.