Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…