Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.