Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo