Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Boom, boom, ching!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The French cow says MEUX…
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.