Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*