CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise