“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have