wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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A great tip. #CakeRex
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
lmao
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.