therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.