me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”