When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.