ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
mariah carrie
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.