Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.