I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself