I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.