Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time