A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Breaking news:
Clients after you give them your rates
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.