Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.