Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Choose your fighter
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
me after drinking all the wine:
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
is this a threat
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.