I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
NASA has no chill
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me too 😆
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.