HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sunday
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.